This post is part of the ‘Tales From The Other Side Of …’ series. There are so many stages, achievements, milestones and heartbreaks we go through as parents and whatever we are experiencing, whether good, bad, exciting or terrifying, it’s always nice to know someone else has already done it and come through the other side. To find out how you can get involved and share your story/tips and tricks click here. Today we have the lovely Roxanna-Sasha from The Resilient Mum with the truly inspiring story of how she broke free of negativity.
I still remember it as if it were yesterday; I mean how could I ever forget?! Three years ago, the doctor delivered some news that was set to change my life – forever! She told me that I was going to be a mum and I sat there speechless, not knowing whether to smile or ask her if she was joking. At the time, I had just landed an amazing role as a deputy manager, I was so excited to progress in my career. However, it was just not meant to be.
As I sat with my ex relaying this information to him, it was evident at this point that I was going to be on my own. He kept making empty promises time and time again, saying he would be there, but he never would. As time went on our relationship changed and we became very distant, I grew to hate him so much that just hearing his voice stirred up so much anger within me.
I could no longer keep up with the day to day tasks of my new role because I was under a lot of stress and in the beginning of my pregnancy I was constantly sick, I spent so much time at the hospital doing tests or being monitored because initially they believed my pregnancy could have been ectopic because of the situation surrounding it. I come from a very prayerful family and we prayed against all of that and refused to believe it to be true. God indeed had other plans when it came to my daughter, I could feel it.
Once I had stopped working I became even more sad and I felt really depressed, not to mention anxious. I was constantly trying to fathom why this was happening to me and why I did not have my ex’s support. I felt disappointed in him, but also extremely disappointed in myself. It was not that I was not happy that I was going to be a mum, but I felt like this should have been a great moment for my ex and I to share. We did talk about having children when we were much younger, but the way in which this happened was clearly a shock to both of us. Although I adjusted to the idea of motherhood very early, my ex did not.
During my pregnancy, I struggled with feelings of negativity, I was hardly ever happy and if I was, once I was alone in my bedroom I would curl up and cry because I knew that I was alone. I had stopped going to church for many months because I was ashamed and felt that I had let everyone down. I planned to be married and to have a distinguished career before having any children, however my plans changed slightly. My father often shared his feelings of dissatisfaction with me, stating I had ruined my life and that he expected a lot better from me. It was distressing to listen to, especially when your parents have put you on a pedestal from a very youthful age and they expect you to excel in everything that you do. To be fair, my mother always wants the best for me, naturally as any mother would want for her child, but she has always accepted what I would like to do without question. My dad however, expected a lot and when I failed to deliver it took ages for him to come around. We are on speaking terms now, but of course we have a long way to go before our relationship is healed fully. I take it one day at a time and trust that God will do the rest.
All the feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that I felt did truly affect me, they changed me as an individual, I became so bitter it shocked a lot of my family and friends because they were convinced I was a different person. I was deeply unhappy with my situation at that point and I saw no way of escape. A peculiar feeling in my stomach almost always occurred when I had negative feelings; my stomach would start to tighten and it really hurt, it was almost like my daughter was telling me something. I had read up on pregnancy and babies, so much so that I realised that whatever we feel our babies usually feel too. That was a big wake up call for me and I slowly began to change the way I was thinking and feeling so as not to affect her.
After some time and a lot of prayer, I plucked up the courage to go back to church and it was the greatest thing I could have ever done for my daughter and I. Granted not everyone is religious and I accept that, but if there is something that you do that brings you peace, I encourage you to pursue it. Don’t be put off, but go with your heart and seek things that make your heart smile. Positive energy and feelings of peace and harmony are what you need to be surrounded by.
Things only got better when I finally got to meet my daughter, despite my birth being a slight nightmare! I can wholeheartedly say that without a doubt that has been the best day of my life thus far. For every tear I shed, for every inch of a pain I felt, all the sleepless nights, the exasperating hospital trips, all of the rejection, the hurt I endured and for every negative emotion that once held me hostage, it was all worth it. God blessed me with the greatest blessing known to man and that is my daughter. I have accomplished so many things in my life, in the same year I completed my degree and graduated, but that did not come close to the feeling of gratification I feel whenever I look at my daughter.
From that day onwards, I swore to be the best version of myself, I owed it to my daughter and to myself. She may be too little to understand, but one day she will know how much of a fighter her mum is. I have been blogging for many years, but my story gave me the name; “The Resilient Mum” and my daughter gave me the passion and inspiration to blog to help other single mothers worldwide rather than blogging about generic ramblings. So, you see, earlier I highlighted how prior to having my daughter I was in a well-paid job and an excellent role, but was it something I had always wanted to do? No, it was not. My daughter gave me back my passion! My daughter gave me back my life! She also gave me back my smile and my happiness. I am not entirely sure whether I will have any more children in the future, but I do know that my beautiful daughter has my whole entire heart. Sometimes what we think is going to change our lives, does end up changing our life, but it changes our lives for the better.
I can tell you that being negative is not fun, nor does it make anyone want to be around you for too long. It constantly causes people to leave you feeling drained and really, nobody wants to feel like that. Changing my mindset and my thought process was a great start, for me as mentioned earlier praying and rebuilding my relationship with God was the foundation and learning to forgive and let go helped to seal the deal. I have forgiven my daughters dad for every wrong doing he has done and for all of what he has left me to endure because I do not have the energy to dislike him. How can I, when he has helped to create the most important person in my life other than God. I always pray for him and I pray that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is well. I chose to let go of all of the past and the hurt because where I am going, I really do not need to carry this baggage with me. The journey that I am on now is taking my daughter and I to higher places. I have met some amazing mothers through The Resilient Mum and I am so grateful to hear how much I inspire and encourage others to keep pressing on. That is my goal. I never want another single mother to suffer in silence or feel as if she is alone. I want to build a community where single mothers unite and know that there are other single mothers who can help them out. This is what is missing sometimes within our community; unity and togetherness. Sometimes you can be surrounded by a group of people, but still feel alone.
I challenge you in future if you see a single mother who is by herself, smile at her and give her a compliment. Who knows, you could be the first person she has spoken to that day and maybe your compliment will stop her from going home and crying because she feels that she is unpretty and nobody notices her.
My mission is far from over, in fact it has just begun and I know that I have a long way to go, but I truly hope that my story encourages someone out there to know that no matter how difficult your circumstance is, you have the power within you to overcome anything that is thrown your way. There were times when I felt like this was the end for me, but it was only the start. Use your suffering, use your pain to help you to reach your full potential in life. The way I perceive it is that anything that is thrown your way is not meant to break you, but to make you stronger. God does not give you what you cannot handle. With struggles come triumphs and they help to build character. Your struggles will birth something amazing in your life and you may just be the individual who will reach out and help to change someone else’s life because of what you have been through.
Be encouraged and know that everything happens for a reason. Believe in yourself and believe that there is so much greatness within you waiting to come out. I believe in you, you’ve got this mama!
-The Resilient Mum
If Roxanne-Sasha’s story moved you as it did me then go check out her blog and social media (links below) and spread the love by sharing this post x